Before everything started, I was living a fairly normal life but was feeling somewhat hurt though, like experiencing an unknown sadness. I think it was because of this sadness that I was shy and not very open as a child. And that was slowly and slowly eating me deep inside. At that time, I never told what was bothering me and any way, at home they never seemed interested to listen to me. I never acknowledged all my feelings and grew older with all these inside, and although I wanted to express those feelings I could not.
I never found someone who was ready to listen to me and even if my sibling was doing her best to understand my situation, it was difficult all the time to talk to her since she had her own world to take care too. Suddenly everything changed during my teenage. I sought to express myself and one day I saw the person I could trust. I related to her my concerns like I would write in my personal diary. She was everything to me, and my favourite person in the world, who I really admired. That sense of relief lasted only for one year and she was gone too. I was feeling more lost and more frustrated than ever. Having lost the only one who understood me was difficult. I tried and tried to control my feelings again but in vain. I was feeling like I had lost something as a big part of my story and that made me insecure with everyone, and I could not have trusted someone again.
Having lost all the pleasure of relating to someone, I started to talk to myself more and more and that caused myself to hear a voice that was responding to me. This voice was not mine. It was something else, but that was not the worst. I started to see things like in horror movies. Too much of all these in my head had pushed me deeper in depression: no talking, no laughing, but only sadness, crying, and anger. I felt like I was possessed by a spirit. Unfortunately, I lost all control over my emotions and that turned into more anger and frustration, pushing me deeper in depression to the point that I ended cutting myself, drinking all sorts of medications that could help me to sleep at night. I was afraid of living, of people and the world itself.
I did not know how to express myself and I was confused about many things. This is why I took a pen. I never thought that an invisible and overwhelming feeling of sadness would change my life. At a point, all the goals and objectives that I had were gone, like I did not even know what was the purpose of life. All those questions that kept running on in my mind for which I did not even have an answer. I wondered 'Why am I living?' Do I deserve to live? Am I useless and stupid for being who I am?' Did I became a fool or mad? Why did I change and why did I become like this? I felt I was just useless, hopeless and disgusted at everything. I was feeling like I could not even do something right. It was difficult for me to breathe when I was scared. So, I thought, what was the point of breathing? I believed that if I could not have helped myself to breath properly, then it would have been better to stop breathing at all. I kept on losing my own self. Where did I go and why? I thought it was a wonder that I lasted for so long alive.
Although, I was wondering why many people did not care, not everyone was like this of course. But even if I felt I had a family and friends to support me as much as they could, I could not change my own situation. I felt it was all my fault in the end, not to have the power to change. Therefore, at some times, getting isolated was the only thing I felt really helped me, but even this ended increasing my stress that pushed me on the edge. I could not go out of the house anymore. I was suffocating in crowded places and always was in a state of panic but no one understood my anxiety. They thought I was acting out, that I wanted more affection or even worst because I was not praying that much that caused me to be possessed by evil spirits. At that time, I could not understand that my behaviour was strange.
Many things can cause anxiety, such as the loss of a loved one or the divorce of one's parents. For me, it was mainly what I believed people would think about me. For example, when I was walking outside of my house and someone would only look at me, I would always panic and be stressed. Many questions came to my mind like 'Does this mean I did something wrong?', 'By keeping my head down, is it disrespectful?', or 'Is the choice of my clothes good?'. Moreover, one of my dear friends left me. She moved to another school and stopped talking to me. That affected me since we were very close to each other. I was always feeling that it was all my fault, that it was because I annoyed her or even because I was too stupid for her to keep contact with me. Thus, I decided to stop making friends and trusting people because, I believed, at the end they just leave or betray me. I had built like a wall around me. For me having someone at home who could understand me was very important but I never had one. My family was here to support me and to talk but not to listen. They never asked the right question at the right moment. That is why I needed to rely on someone else to express myself.
I was brought to the hospital and the doctors said that I was suffering from anxiety, and after few more sessions I was diagnosed with depression also. They were giving me pills to sleep and another medication to control my feelings. But nothing changed. The feelings were still there and my depression was still there. They mentioned that many small events have caused me to be the person I became. My mother then asked me to attend a kind of therapy which was outside the hospital. The first day of therapy, I was so scared of the therapists and I neither had the guts to glance at them for once nor stare. My head was always down, looking at the floor and wondering whether it would help me or not or if they would understand me. But sessions after sessions, I became more comfortable and I started to trust them more than before.
After many therapy sessions, I started to feel being myself again, being the one who I was before. At each session, we were focusing on a problem, and when the problem was solved, then we moved on to the next. The fact that we were not rushing on the treatment, and that I had finally felt someone was understanding me and was giving me good advice healed me. They never forced me to answer their questions. They gave me the time to feel comfortable.
For example, because of my anxiety, I was scared of people having bad thoughts about me. They asked me questions to help me to clarify my thoughts such as 'How do you know others are thinking bad about you?', 'Could it be that others are also thinking positively of you?', 'Do you often find yourself indulging in mind reading?', or even 'Could it ever be possible to make everyone appreciate you even if it happens that a few may have thought badly about you?'. I also had the opportunity to ask questions like 'Was I really suffering?' since many others thought I was acting out. I was helped to realise that I was truly suffering inside, and many people neither saw nor did they know about my suffering, and this is why they thought I was acting out. It helped me when the therapists believed in me. That made me gain self-confidence and helped me to search for a new personality, to become a new person who are more free without having constant negative background thoughts as well as to be more independent in taking my own decision.
Every person needs someone they can express themselves with or else your problem may eat you from inside. If you are not at peace with your own mind, then you are not going to be healthy physically too. By sharing what is bothering you, you are freeing yourself from a heavy burden. At first, I thought that when we ask for help, it was a sign of weakness. Or it meant that we cannot take care of our own responsibilities and duties. But no! The truth is, when we seek support, it means we are brave because although we could be scared of life and people, but in reality we are determined to heal ourselves. That makes us leave our zone of comfort to share our problems, grief, and sorrow to someone else who can help us to overcome our problem. We just need someone to listen and understand to heal.
This was the story of a brave person who overcame his/her anxiety and depression. He/she wished to encourage and motivate other people who might be suffering from emotional and psychological difficulties to seek help. In case, you feel you need help, please do not hesitate to contact us on 2168080 for counselling services at Century Welfare Association.